I should go back there

If you’d browse my stack of old, worn-out, messed-up-to-the-last-page journals, you’ll see how plenty of check boxes I had drawn there with the words “write and publish a book” beside them.

Month after month, year after year, I would write on the last page of a journal notebook then get a new one. And each time, I would put a check box that bore the same goal “write and publish a book” and leave it unchecked–until 2017.

I remember how I, at last, felt ready and had a clear plan for the book. It was quite easy because I wanted it to be a memoir and I had my journal on hand for its outline. Recalling it, I can see myself praying many times and squeezing my eyes before spreading my fingers on the keyboard. I was begging God for grace, for anointing, for everything I thought I should ask Him because I knew well how the book won’t be as beautiful if it would only be written by me. My prayers finished with deep breaths and a loud exhale that said, “OK. Game, Lord.”

I then realized that the words were already in my heart. I needed not to find them anywhere. I felt the weight of every word while dribbling the letter keys. The scenes felt so real to me that I shed tears, I laughed, I yearned. It was an awesome experience. Daunting yet liberating. Terribly painful and mending at the same time. And, of course, fulfilling.

Finding You: a memoir on dreams, detours and destiny was published by Shepherd’s Voice Publication (Feast Books) in 2017; the check box was finally checked. The book sits in bookshelves today. Perhaps, other copies are in somebody’s desk, drawer, or bag. Testimonies confirm that God is where Finding You is.

I think I’m writing this because things have changed after that, and today, I want to remember how things were when the check box wasn’t yet checked. I should go back to that memory – to the feeling of knowing what I want, of working on what I want, and of desiring it strongly and persistently. And I must remember how God was with me throughout the journey.

Today, I should go back there.