“Now comes the big question: What are you going to write about? And the equally big answer: Anything you damn well want. Anything at all…as long as you tell the truth.” – Stephen King, On Writing
I’ve not been writing as much lately.
I want to. No, I desire it. But each time I try, I feel like I have nothing interesting or beautiful to say. My reader won’t learn anything from me, I tell myself. And I feel bad, for it may mean that I have nothing good in me. I may be empty inside, not a crumb of substance.
But I really, really want to get out of the aridity and burn with passion again. I want to weave and string a thousand words again. I want to feel alive again. Now, taking THE King’s advice, I think I know what to do – brave the page with the truth.
Most people see me as a wise person. They believe that I have words that help, that comfort, that enlighten. I wrote a book, an inspirational one according to how bookstores package it. Readers message me, thanking me for my words. Well, those are all from God, I can say. God always helps me with words. He knows I cannot write alone, never without Him. But God is breaking something in me, I guess…for I can see how much stronger He is now that I feel weak. Very weak.
I think I am in some sort of a personal crisis. My sister said that it is what’s happening to you when those things/ideas that used to inspire you, push you, or bring out the best in you no longer work for you. And it affects your daily life.
I agreed. I told my sister that it may be akin to overusing a shiny object. Friction, or dirt, or perhaps mere “transcience” makes it lose its luster. Unfortunately, no amount of cleaning or repair can bring back its sparkle. It is still usable, yes, but no longer…inspiring. I don’t know why it happens and why it doesn’t seem to happen to others. But it does happen, and it is happening to me.
So imagine. Just imagine. Almost each day, I operate without much help from the muse. I work. I serve. I pray. I think I’m doing my best to be as good as I should. And I admit, if it’s not a drag, it’s all numbness. I cannot say that it isn’t fun since fun is something you create. Happiness is something you choose. But, man, there is no fire in it. If you get what I mean.
“What shall I do?” I asked my sister.
“You need new things, then,” she said.
Of course I see, hear, and learn new things every day. But I guess what she meant was, it has to be both novel and impactful for me. It has to be a striking different perspective. A deeper one too, maybe.
Frankly, I do not understand most things in my life now, and I’m not comfortable being here. All I know is I am on the search of the “new”. Every day, that’s what I do – I try to create novelty. Novelty in work. Novelty in service. Novelty in prayer. And this kind of new is very uncomfortable, as if I’m running away from the things and people I used to embrace. But amid all the discomfort, there is one thing that calms me, that makes me think everything’s all right – God is with me. He’s always been with me. Each time I pray, I remember how it has always been me and Him. Him and me.
Today, I can say that I’m close to the kind of work set-up I dreamed – doing what I love, earning from it, and having an absolute control of my time. I cannot be sure of anything yet with this baby business. But thinking about it, how am I pulling it off while in a personal crisis?
All I can say is, indeed, God is strong in our weakness.