Three thoughts you need to gain peace amid uncertainty

It’s been a while since I last “embarked on some creative pas de deux” (borrowed that phrase from Julia Cameron). I feel excited to be here, finding words and thoughts that are my own.

I’ve been working on a biography, hoping to finish it sooner so I could start writing the other one in queue. Although it’s fulfilling to write about another person’s life, I can’t help but disappear from the page, stick with merely telling the facts, and sound dry doing so. This is exactly what Nigel Hamilton was talking about—biographers fail when they forget about their readers. Now I want to finish the entire manuscript and then go back to the dull chapters to put a little bit of art into them.

I strongly feel that I need to up my game this year, though—the next step for Scribblory. I’ve noticed that there are many opportunities for publishers in our country, and I’m starting to get frustrated that we can’t avail of them because we lack the right papers—well, we ‘can’ with a slim chance of getting accepted. It would be way easier if we were a publisher.

I keep thinking about my community, how I could spread the word about what we do and how I could help them go a distance further as authors and writers. My desire to officially bring our services outside our country’s borders also gets stronger every year, especially considering our economy and the status of our book industry. Both factors have inevitably affected Scribblory. So, encouraged by my family, I took a big leap late last year.

It was around October when I signed a contract with an agent and applied to a university in Australia for a course in writing and publishing. I was asked to submit my resume along with other documents, which I already had in my drawers except for my English Proficiency Test score. Nonetheless, the process ran smoothly: My agent submitted my application in the evening, and the university approved it the next morning. Since I had also applied for a scholarship, they gave me a provisional offer. So, I ended up having only two weeks to prepare for my IELTS exam—and thank God, I still got band scores higher than required!

With that, I was left with only one thing to do: settle the deposit money. That took a while, but I couldn’t have done it without my eldest sister’s help (and assistance from my cousin-in-law since it was tricky to send payment from my country). By November, I only had one last requirement for my student visa—my sponsor’s documents. Things would’ve kept on going smoothly and I could’ve been good-to-go for the March intake, if only our source of funds didn’t get delayed. Since the solution seems out of our hands, we now have to wait for an indefinite amount of time.

I don’t know what God has in mind, but I initially got terribly frustrated. Imagine being like a foot closer to your dreams. The door’s left ajar for you and you can even peek into the room, but they just can’t open the door wider for you to come in. I badly want it, but I have no choice. I have to surrender and place it in God’s mighty hands. To keep my peace amid this uncertainty, I remind myself of these three things:

1. If He hasn’t taken you out of there yet, it means you still need to be there.

When the process was initially going smoothly, I started thinking that it’s the best time for me to leave the Philippines. I’ve spent the previous years here chronically burned out, wondering if my life would ever get better here. I saw Australia as a greener pasture, and I couldn’t wait to seize whatever opportunity it might offer. I also felt it was time to leave my part-time teaching jobs, and anyway, I can run my business remotely. Career-wise, I was really excited to spend two years away from everything.

But it seems, at the time, I wasn’t clearly looking at it. I realized I wasn’t that ready to leave my room and my loved ones yet, and my business isn’t stable enough to be operated remotely yet. I may not even be prepared to face the challenges awaiting me in Australia! I should be thankful for this delay because God is giving me ample time to fix everything, including myself.

2. God sees your needs and desires, and He knows what’s going to happen when they are fulfilled.

I know that God wants the best for me, so if He isn’t giving me what I ask for, it means it isn’t for me—or it isn’t for me yet. What my limited human mind can perceive is nothing compared to what the Creator of the Universe sees. Even though I feel sure that the course and university are perfect for my career needs, only God can look ahead and exactly tell what would go wrong and what would go right. I have to trust Him.

3. In the evening of life, you’ll be judged by how much you loved.

In the end, no worldly achievement will matter. I may have ambitious dreams for my community and my family, but if they’re not borne out of love, it’ll be a useless pursuit. Small things can be done with great love, as Mother Teresa says. And in the eyes of heaven, anything done with love suffices.

I really want to live well, to maximize this one life God has gifted me. But am I living to love? I don’t think I’d ever be able to correctly answer that. I sorely wish to take up a writing and publishing course in Australia. But will I be able to love more while I’m there? I have a hopeful answer to that. But I leave the final decision to the Most-Loving God.

Featured photo by Niko