I can’t help but read about the story of his life

Ever since I heard about Liam Payne’s death, I can’t stop consuming stuff online about him and One Direction. The algorithm’s giving me a lot of interesting videos and articles about them, and I can’t help but watch and read them up every day. I’m trying to taper it down because I have work to do and an exam to prepare for. I guess it just hits differently when you hear tragic news about someone your age.

What’s odd is that I am not even a fan of this boy band. I often intentionally go against the grain by not supporting the mainstream, so I prevented myself from becoming curious about them even at a point when I started to think their songs sounded good. In fact, I only tried to learn one of their songs—”Story of My Life”—when I heard Lea Salonga’s version of it. And when I learned that it’s one of those Liam had co-written, the song began to mean so much more to me. I have also started to appreciate their brotherhood, which I think was the strongest suit of the band. This is my first time to regret not supporting a boyband when they were still intact.

I believe people of the same generation tend to think alike, having seen and experienced the same trends. Millenials, for example, have witnessed how the world transitioned from the non-technology to technology era. Seeing such an evolution before our very eyes, we’ve become broader-minded than generations older and younger than us. We are familiar with the difficulty of a tech-free life. We know how to endure life when it’s hard and to enjoy it when it’s easier.

One Direction’s members are millenials like I am. And even from the start, they knew they’d be disbanded someday, seeing the fate of all the popular bands during our time like Backstreet Boys, Westlife and N’Sync. But among all the bands we know, only theirs experienced two things that threw them off-kilter: one of their members left before they disbanded, and another left them forever after they did.

Liam’s struggles are relatable. A lot of people my age suffers mentally today, mostly due to existential crisis, quarter-life crisis, and the sheer weight of responsibilities we’re carrying on our shoulders. The hardest part is waking up empty, then having to face life’s challenges and demands nonetheless. What’s heartbreaking is when a person seemingly caring, kind, sweet, and absolutely talented like Liam loses his way and ends up leaving the world without finding his way back. He seemed to have been trying to find the ‘light’ for years, fighting for his life every now and then. But during some of his lowest points, he had probably thought of just ending it. In fact, if he meant every word of “Story of My Life”, then that truth was glaring right at the fans for many years. But who would’ve thought the message of the song could be explicit?

“Written in these walls are the stories that I can’t explain.
I leave my heart open, but it stays right here empty for days . . .

And I’ll be gone, gone tonight.
The ground beneath my feet is open wide.
The way that I’ve been holding on too tight,
With nothing in between.”

Still, I honestly don’t believe he jumped off the balcony since his autopsy report says his human instinct to protect himself wasn’t there when he fell. And if he consciously and intentionally killed himself, his protective instincts would’ve still kicked in. Nevertheless, I feel bad that he was alone when he reached his ‘rock bottom’ before he passed on. I am only consoled by the idea that if he was indeed semi-conscious or unconscious during the fall, he surely didn’t feel any pain.

May you at least find the ‘light’ in afterlife, Liam.

I pray for your soul.